


True Directions

by tobeaskeleton



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: (but still kind of light-hearted), Alternate Universe - But I'm a Cheerleader (1999) Fusion, Catholic Guilt, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-16 04:30:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10563735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobeaskeleton/pseuds/tobeaskeleton
Summary: “This is the boys’ room, but no inappropriate behavior is allowed.”Mac’s eyes widen. “Inappropriate like swearing?”“No,” the boy on the bed answers. “Inappropriate like fucking.” Mac feels his face heat up.Macdennis AU of But I'm A Cheerleader (1999)





	

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't, you should probably watch the movie first. It's also good to keep in mind that it's supposed to be satirical in some aspects.

Though they have been friends since childhood, Charlie has only been in Mac’s room a handful of times. Mostly, the hung out under the bleachers getting high, sometimes with Shmitty and Pete, or in Charlie’s basement huffing glue. Today, it’s just them hanging out. Mac has to go upstairs to grab his stash, and Charlie examines his room in confusion.

“Dude, don't you have any, uh, pictures of, uh, girls around?” Charlie asks. Mac has pictures of guys on his wall, sure, but it's only because he is inspired by their physiques. The more beefcakes he saw, the more motivated he would be to accumulate mass and the more girls would like him. Charlie is just too dumb to understand.

“Nah, bro,” Mac replies to Charlie’s question, shaking his head to himself as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “I only have badasses on my wall. Like look at-” he gestures at the Indiana Jones poster on his wall. “-Indiana Jones. He’s, like, the biggest badass ever.” 

“If you say so, dude,” Charlie replies, scratching his head in confusion. “It just seems a little, you know, gay to me.”

Mac lets the words sift in his head for a minute, but shakes them off. “Maybe you're gay,” he retorts, scoffing.

“Whatever, man.”

-

Guys get changed in front of each other every day before gym in the locker room and it's not gay, Mac realizes. It’s totally normal to be fascinated by the physiques of men when you're constantly surrounded by them. And obviously, despite what Charlie thinks, Mac knows he would never be swayed that way.

He goes to church every Sunday with his mom, and he knows that being a homosexual is a sin. Sometimes, he wonders what his mom thinks, but when he tries speaking to her she only ever grunts and coughs up a storm. And sometimes he wonders about his dad, but he's in prison, in account of being too much of a badass. Although, Mac's pretty sure that he wouldn't approve.

-

This week, when Mac goes in for confession he only has one thing on his mind. He admits to his priest that, at times, he has thoughts about men that some people seem to deem as “gay.” 

He doesn't know what he expects. Not relief, that's for sure. Who could ask for relief when they've expressed such a sin? However, the priest seems fairly understanding; he even offers to help, giving Mac a thin pamphlet.

Mac sits in his room, staring at the happy looking man and woman on the cover and bold lettering that read "True Directions." In that moment, Mac feels something like hope, and he imagines a world where he looks like the happy couple on the front with his super hot wife and his dad responds to his letters, of course, because he's proud of his son. Mac stares at the phone number on the pamphlet.

-

When Mac leaves the city, his mom willing to get Mac off her hands for a month or so, he doesn't say goodbye to even Charlie. This is his own journey, he decides, and he has to complete it on his own. The car ride over is long and uninteresting, the camp seeming to be in the middle of Pennsylvanian suburbia. Mac swears they passed, like, twenty Amish dudes on the way over here.

Mary, the director of True Directions, is attired in a pink blazer and pencil skirt. She walks stiffly, and holds out her hand for Mac’s mom to shake, but she doesn't take it and instead stares down the questionably eager woman. 

“Welcome, welcome, welcome! It looks like we've got you just in time!” Mary exclaims, pinching Mac’s cheeks as though he is a child. “Oh, by heavens, have you forgotten your belongings?” she asks. Mac blushes.

“No. I mean, I just came with the clothes off my back.” Mac’s mom has already made her way to her car. Mary clasps her hands together, her eyebrows furrowed, probably not used to people from the city. 

“Well, that's quite alright. We have a uniform that everyone wears after completing step one that optimizes the True Directions experience.

Mac nods his head, taking in his surroundings. The exterior of the house itself is painted a vibrant pink and a baby blue, and the sign on the door reads “True Directions” with a man and a woman holding hands below the blue lettering. Mac feels a little bit hopeful, thinking of the prospect of maybe being able to make his parents proud for once in his lifetime (and also proving to everyone else that he's not gay.)

Mary opens the door and then Mac follows her to her office where a hospital gown is sitting on her desk. 

“Ronald,” she begins.

“It’s Mac.”

“Right. Mac. You are here today because you have become… occupied by a certain way of thinking. Here at True Directions, we have a five step program that helps you reassess your identity. Now, let's begin with the first time you thought that you might be gay.” 

“No, you don't understand,” Mac interrupts. “I’m not a queer; everyone just thinks I am.” 

“Mac,” Mary starts, clearly not buying Mac’s argument. “What were the issues addressed? In your intervention?”

“Well,” Mac begins to explain. “I didn't really, well, uh, I told my priest about how I have… what people seem to think are unnatural thoughts about men. He gave me a pamphlet for this place.” Mac recalls the brilliant blue and pink colors of the pamphlet and the promise of becoming closer to God. 

“When you see a toned man taking off his shirt and flexing his muscles… You don't have any unnatural thoughts?”

Mac pondered this, recalling hiding boners when watching action movies with Charlie and accusations about the posters of those badasses on his wall. But everyone watches those movies. “I don't think it's unnatural.”

“Aha! You don't even think it's wrong,” Mary snaps. However, noticing the discontent on Mac’s face, she shifts the conversation. “Here, change into this,” she says, sliding the paper gown to Mac. “I'll have one of the boys show you around. You get your uniform once you complete step one.”

-

Mac hears every detail about camp: Wake-up is at seven, breakfast is at eight, etc. He sees a poster where everyone’s names have a checkmark besides them, except for his. The top of the poster reads: “Step One: Admitting You're A Homosexual.” Mac flinches. He doesn't know if he’ll be able to do that.

When he enters the boy’s dorm, he notices that their are five beds all in a row, but as of now, only one person is occupying any of them. Said person is smoking a cigarette, propped up on his elbow, dressed in the uniform blue button up and pants, only, on this guy, Mac can't help but notice how much it makes his eyes pop.

The boy who is showing him around, Andre, rolls his eyes at the other boy and continues the tour. “This is the boys’ room, but no inappropriate behavior is allowed.”

Mac’s eyes widen. “Inappropriate like swearing?” 

“No,” the boy on the bed answers. “Inappropriate like fucking.” Mac feels his face heat up. 

“That's Dennis,” Andre says with a tone of disdain. “Don't worry about him, he's just a petty little rich boy.”

“You flatter me,” Dennis replies, taking another drag from his cigarette. Andre turns to leave, so Mac follows him, realizing the back of his paper gown has left his underwear-clad behind exposed. He turns around to pull it tighter around him when he notices Dennis looking. Upon making eye contact, Dennis winks at Mac with a smirk that makes Mac unreasonably flustered. 

After the tour, group therapy begins. Mac feels a bit intimidated, as he started later than everyone else and has yet to be given the same clothes that the rest are dressed in. It’s a bit strange, Mac thinks, how everyone's clothes are identical, the girls in pink blouses and skirts and the boys in blue button ups and pants. 

The small group form a circle, and Mary prompts Mac to complete step one. “Admitting you have a problem is the first step. How about we all go around and show Mac how it's done?”

A girl stands up first, and Mac is too anxious to catch her name. “-I'm a waitress. And I'm a homosexual.” Next is Andre.

“Andre. Actor, dancer, homosexual.” 

The rest of the group goes around and says the same generic fact about themselves and always “I’m a homosexual,” until they reach Dennis.

Dennis looks up at Mac, shrugs and says, “We’ve met.”

“Dennis,” Mary says, waiting for a proper response. He rolls his eyes.

“Fine. I'm Dennis. And I like boys. A lot,” he says, a smirk splayed across his face. “Oh, and I'm a homosexual.” 

Now, it's Mac’s turn. Eager eyes stare at him, making his heart pound. “You've got it all wrong,” he argues. “I'm not like you people.” This comment is greeted by some annoyed looks, but Mac keeps going.”I've kissed, like, a lot of girls.” A lot might be an exaggeration, but he had kissed some! 

“But those girls,” one of the other guys says. “Do they make you hot? Are they what you think about when you… you know.” Mac gapes at him. 

“I’m not perverted. I’m a total badass! I go to church, every week, I’ve kissed girls, I'm a Catholic!” he exclaims. “Everyone watches action movies. Everyone looks at boys, all the time.”

“But you only assume they're thinking what you do,” the waitress from before says. 

Mac thinks about the locker rooms, and the movies, and the posters. “Oh my god,” he begins. “I thought everyone had those thoughts.” The beefcakes on his walls, the time Charlie had questioned his subscription to a body-building magazine. “I'm… I'm a homosexual.” The rest of the group stare back at him, some sympathetic, some annoyed. “I can't believe it. I'm a homosexual,” he repeats, hysterical. “I'm a homosexual.” 

“Here, change into these. You'll feel better,” Mary says, handing him his uniform.

The rest of the group leaves go head for dinner, but Mac is too upset to stand. He closes his eyes and whispers to himself. “I’m a homo.”

-

At dinner that night, Mac is making conversation with the other kids. Really, they aren't that bad for being queers, he thinks. Though, really, who is he to judge? He has great strides to be made before he is straight himself. 

Dennis, however, sits by himself, not touching his food. The waitress glances in his direction, notcing his aloofness. "What crawled up his ass?"

"He's just mad that the hotdog on his plate is the only meat he can eat," Andre remarks. The grou suppress laughter, but Mac finds himself feeling a bit torn inside.

When it's time for lights out, Mac finds himself in a daze, still unadjusted to this strange, new place. He keeps thinking his mom might call, or maybe even Charlie, but they never do.


End file.
